It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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