I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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