im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh god it's open bar.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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