He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
