found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
