So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
