Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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