Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How does one acquire holy water?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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