If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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