id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
