I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
