I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
