The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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