and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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