at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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