at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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