apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
