I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
