you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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