Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
