I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
