I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
