I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
