somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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