I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can text with my tongue
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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