I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
