if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
