I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
