bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize