I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
