this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
