just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
