I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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