You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize