No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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