Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
