i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
