look no pants
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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