i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
