apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize