You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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