So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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