Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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