Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
