The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize