She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
