Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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