we made out on top of his cat.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My pussy is not your playground.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
