Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
