Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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