My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's rum buckets o'clock
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
