LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
