i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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