i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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