Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i barfeds in our rink
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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