Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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