have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize